A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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