so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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