Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
