i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
