i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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