My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
