I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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