Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize