How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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