Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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