Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
