Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
