haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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