someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
