what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
