my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
