His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My vagina just recognized that song.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
