I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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