I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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