There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
