I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
