Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You made out with two different species that night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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