its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
