Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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