That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
