Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
