I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
