I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
