I love black thongs
I checked into jail on foursquare
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My bed smells like the plague
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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