I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
