i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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