HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
