So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
