I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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