can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
