My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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