the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
