My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
