Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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