i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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