I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
