and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
