I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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