In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
