im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
