Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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