i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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