dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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