1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
