i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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