How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
