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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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