mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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