If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
