hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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