I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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