just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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