Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
