Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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