I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
